i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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