Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
