Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
