apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize