The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
she looked like the before picture.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
