Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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