3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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