Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
