so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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