Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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