She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
