fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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