mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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