And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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