Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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