flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
