I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
