walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
