how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
