we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Best friends brother. Beat that.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
