i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
