I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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