Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
