Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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