So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
