found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
