The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
