Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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