When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
