PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
