i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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