i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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