My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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