After last night, I could never be a politician.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
