I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
