did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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