I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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