it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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