I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I enjoy the company of your penis
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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