I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
