508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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