in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
there is puke in my bra ... again
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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