he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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