Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
