Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I think I sprained my soul last night
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I got inside last night via doggy door
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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