Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
