i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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