I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
God, you're like boner-b-gone
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
