i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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