I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
it's like iHOP with fire
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
