The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
