my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
