Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
