OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This is the high leading the old right now
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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