I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
