By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize