Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I looked at my own cervix.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
